25th January 2007

25th january 2007
Firstly, Happy Birthday to my dad!
From my last post, nothing much actually happened except until 25th of January when I had my first interview which included one written test. The test was quite tough, I don’t think I did ok and I felt that I was quite unprofessional during the interview. I can’t put much hope on this one. There will be another round of interview (I think only if I pass the last one) As soon as I stepped into the office, I felt so intimidated, the office was so cold and quiet, everyone was dressed so smartly in tie and some in blazer. It was so different from my office in Bangalore, where people joke, greet each other and smile. Since I did not know which bus to take from that office to home, I ended up taking 3 buses and reached home after 1.5 hours. I guess it’s time for me to write more letters and send more applications. At the moment, I feel quite discouraged and disappointed, I do not know where in my applications that went wrong. I know I can’t compete with many in terms of results, but I believe I have more practical experience and no less of dedication and hard work. Is an honours degree really matter that much?

26th January 2007
Today, I stayed at home almost the whole day. I accompanied my aunt to buy some stuff for an hour or so. I read some pages in the Marketing book to brush up my marketing knowledge after being caught unprepared for the written test yesterday which asked me quite a few questions on marketing theories. However most part of the day, I didn’t do anything, and hence, had a lot of time thinking about practical and nonsense stuff. I felt quite lonely, missing my family a lot. Though I also didn’t have a lot of things to do when I was back home, I didn’t feel lonely, I had a lot of fun with my sister ( we danced, played badminton, sneaked out to buy junk food, talked etc) and doing the housework and dinner with the family. Though my parents are a bit conservative, they stopped rushing me to find for jobs, and allowed me to sleep till 11 or 12. Some evenings, I went out with my old friends and we never seemed to have enough time to catch up. And every night, I logged on to the internet, looking for jobs and catch up with other friends overseas. Now I am here in Sg, I am currently staying with my aunt who is my mom’s friend, but I don’t feel like part of the family. I do not have internet connection in the house, and the family sleep at about 9 pm or so. I also realized that I can’t keep up with my friends here. They are all busy with work or study, and probably six months had been too long, especially in here, people move faster than you can imagine. Before I left for India, I was like that; busy with studies and AIESEC, always in my room by myself after a day in class, trying to finish my never-ending-work but I never felt lonely then. After India, everything changed. I miss ITH, and the warm “Hey, You are back, How’s your day at work today and what are we going to do tonight?” and “Good morning EeLing, have a nice day at work and see you later” and “Good Night, everyone!” and all the amazing trips. I miss my colleagues and their warm invitation to share their lunch boxes, their kindness and patience, and their effort to make me part of the family. I wished I didn’t work that hard initially when I arrived in India, then I could have spent more time with my housemates. Now, I wished I also have my family here with me so that I don’t feel so lonely. Most of the time, I never realized or appreciate something important to me until I lose them (this time, to distance and borders of countries). I think it’s quite a cruel way to make me appreciate what I have.

Or maybe, I have been having too much time. I hate waiting for unknown. And yes, job searching is a nightmare.

Re-Integration: I felt like everyday was an adventure

I wanted to write about my weekend, but too tired now (maybe tmr). Before i log off, i decided to visit the aiesec website (since the link is all over Singapore AIESECers' MSN) i, of course went to the link most relevant to my current stage of AIESEC XP. And reading the intern's experience, i exactly saw myself in his words. How true..

“Being away in a totally different environment, and culture, gave me an incredible perspective. At times it seemed like anything was possible. Returning to Toronto and the same people just reinforced how many limitations we place on ourselves in our daily lives, how much we see as negative rather than the opportunities that may lay beyond the present.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I am trying to figure out what exactly happened over the past few months… I felt like everyday was an adventure… an adventure in learning in meeting new people, in self-discovery, and in opportunities that came up. Having been back here only a week I am already bored by it all. It is great to come back and catch up but people have become so busy with their lives. And the greatest realizations of it all is just how like that I was before leaving, and how I don’t like it"

http://www.aiesec.org.sg/

Global Exchange Community > Home > After Internship > Re-Integration

12th January 2007

I received one reply from one of my favourite applications, no big deal, just asking me for more info. But i hope it's a sign of more to come. I can see more confusion and decision making to come as well. I can't deny the fact that my heart is still with Bangalore. I have an opportunity now, but i start to question the job scope. I may not like, no i don't think so. I'll be based in Sg but the chance is to go back to Bangalore for a while for some training. My problem is that i see everything; big task or small task, easy or difficult tasks as learning opportunity. There is more in Bangalore that i am looking for; the numerous number of health related NGOs where i can learn and involve in, which i also regret i never did the last time i was there. What should i do if i receive more positive replies from other companies, where i won't have opportunity to be 'sent' to Bangalore but offer a good career prospects?

My Wish

I can't write any poem, but i found this song contains the message i wanted to wish you and myself.. It's a real good song. I hope you will enjoy it and Yeah, may your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small.

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

11th January 2007

I am quite happy today. Still dancing, housework-ing, searching for jobs, and ... talking. I am still waiting for emails.

10th January

This morning, I got my second call of interview from the same company. I may have to travel quite a bit (not too sure yet), will cover Asia Pacific but the challenging point (and turning into worrying point) is that I do not have exact job description, but it's marketing and communication. It’s a young company, growing fast. I’ll be based in Sg. I like it a lot, but salary wise, it’s not finalized yet. My mom heard and asked me about it. We went into heated discussion about job, female, family etc. I ended feeling extremely low! I do not want to live life like thousands of other Singaporean and Malaysian do, graduating, working in a company, rising through the ranks, have a family, send them to school, and then, retire. Nor I want to earn tens of thousands of dollars, in a VIP rank. I want a simple, yet lively life. Erm, I am not an expressive person, I can’t descript, doesn’t matter. I want a job where I can have continuous learning, where I can have more contacts with the people, seeing things I can not see beyond my limited horizons. My parents do not agree. They said this way; I will end up with nothing. Mom said that I can earn the same amount of salary staying in a country all the time. They do not understand about traveling for work. She said, I should find a good office/lab job with alright paying salary, and find a good husband. She said that if work requires me to travel all the time, I will end up with nothing, lonely, all by myself. I am a person who sees family as something really important, but I also do not want to end up in office doing something mundane, like many of my friends are doing. Mom said I ‘wasted’ my time in India last 6 months because after 6 months, I still have to start all over again. Is that true? I do not think so, but the truth is I have nothing to show them, except the fact that I didn’t earn something financially which they want to see. And right now, I am still dependent on them financially. I feel extremely embarrassed. How is it like living in a community where people think you are really a filial and good daughter, only if you send home lots of money exactly the moment the graduate or even better when they thought you are old enough to earn ( i.e before you even enter uni) AND all these is NOT enough, if you don’t get married to a good husband. Argh.. I am saying everything as if my parents are money-minded. I know it's not true. Think Think Think

9th January 2007

I do not like titles. I never know how to assign /create one. So, from now on, unless i can think of one, i will put the date of the day instead. :)

Today is a wonderful day. I slept till 11 am and didn’t do much in the morning except for more housework, cooked one dish for the family, some exercise, and a listening to radio. It was the later part of the day that was very interesting, and some thinking happened. My dad bought my 10 year old sis a new CD of Korean songs a few days ago. After dinner, She and I danced to the tunes in our room (behind closed doors, She's shy, not me) We had so much fun though we didn't know what's the song about! Dancing, reminded me a lot about the people who has been asking me to dance. And i promised, i will learn. However, I am still bad at dancing at this moment. My sis kept reminding me of that! Yes, I think she’s quite a good dancer for her age, like a little Paddy (my funny dancing housemate, India)

Today, i also have a few stories I want to tell myself and ponder.

Story No 1:
A friend in India, told me that he felt that i am still around in Bangalore because i am always online in Skype ( not so true, but yes I do log on to internet everyday) That's important to me because my presence is still felt in Bangalore. I never thought i will. Since returning, I have been telling friends in India that I miss them; today one person said to me that Life is like train journeys, whenever you reach your station, you have to get down. My train journey in India has ended, I have reached the station and i have to and had got down. Now, I need to get onto another train. He continued to encourage me to be a doctor, my childhood ambition. I am touched by how much faith and confidence he has in me. So did the rest of the company I was in. I will definitely miss that.

Story No 2:
My long-lost friend whom i knew from IC: He's from Ghana. The last time i talked to him was more than 6 months ago. Now he is in Norway for an internship. He went in August. He's doing a lot of traveling in Europe (really a lot) as part of his work and also involved in some of peacecorp programmes! I am so happy for him because he has the chance to see different countries and make a difference through the peacecorp projects. As I was about to praise him about his capability to break the barriers of language and culture, He said to me as he was leaving
“Great you took that step for a traineeship in India; many people don’t have the courage to go to a developing country. Happy for you because you many steps ahead of your mate and you understand issues from a different perspective "
Thank you for reminding me about the best decision I have ever made. I know now I have to spread this courage around.

Story No 3:
About the conversation with my close friend since high school. She’s now in the US pursuing her PHD! We talked about how fast 5 years had past and our classmates are getting married (3 this month) and our young siblings have all grown up. I told her about what I have been going through. I realized that we still share a lot in common, and I still like to talk to her, just like when we were in high school. She prayed with me, and I was touched by her action. Tears were in my eyes. I hope that something I have gone through that left me feeling really sad, I do not have to go through again. I cannot imagine myself going through another December 29th.

Story No.4
My two friends in Sg who are staying in the same house, share the same initial, CY, are so funny, as they messaged me on MSN at the exact same time, talking on the same topic. Cute and funny friends, love them.

8th January 2007

The past few days has been quite mundane. Nothing much happened. However, i am quite happy and comfortable, since it's home with my family. My youngest sister stuck to me like glued! I sent out a few job applications. And I had a call yesterday. I think I fumbled. I like the job description very much but i am not sure about the salary. My parents don't seemed to like me working for that. I already felt restricted by my bond, now my parents. I don't blame them, i believe ultimately, it's still up to me. So far, i only sent mostly to the one i like, except for one ermm as backup? Hope to hear from them soon, and i can decide what i should do next.

Back to current

After 4th of Jan, my life changed a little bit more. I did a lot of positive thinking. Initially when i came back, I was afraid that everything, especially good memories will be forgotten, especially by the people i care so much. However, now i understand that everything that happened will stay with me, in my heart and memory forever, that's the most important. I also know that all sweet or sorrow events I experienced happened because i have to learnt something the harder way. I grew from it. Though it is difficult for me to get over it, i must try. I have wonderful family and friends here who supported and listened to me. People said that i am lucky coz i have a lot of loving people around me, i agree. And I think people around me is also very lucky because they too are surrounded by loving people :)

Currently, my internet connection has been restored and can online whenever i want. My application for job has slow down. There is not many job vacancies available. However, i kept myself busy with a lot of housework.

Back dated post

Since i was unable to have constant internet connection, i wrote them in my laptop and post them now.

2nd of January 2007

I went back to my university residence with CY and met up a few other university time friends. We used to be really close, going out together especially during my first two years at university, until I got too occupied with my responsibilities in AIESEC. Now, we are still good friends, except that all went on our separate ways and our ‘big brother’, Loon got married when I was in India. I spent the whole day at the residence, because I wanted to use the internet and to do my laundry. Big washing machines and dryers mean you can wear everything in your closet until the last piece of everything, as these machines give you back the whole closet of clean, warm clothes after 1 or 2 hours. Oh, how technology made us or I should say, made me lazy. Anyways, I ordered some food from my favourite canteen during my university days, but still have no appetite. Dinner was better than Lunch though. Ordered some fancy food for lunch, but simple veg fried noodle for dinner. I guess, simple is still the best.

Overall, it was a good day, met more of my friends in Singapore. In addition, I sent some important mails out and rushed back to my aunt’s (family friend) house where I have been putting up, packed my beg (in less than 15 minutes) and rushed to the bus station to take the overnight bus from Singapore to Penang (10 hours). It was a mad rush, and I was carrying 4 begs, no thanks to my aunt who wanted me to bring back to Penang a beg of stuff (random stuff ...some vase?!? Kiddy beg and don’t know what else.. arghh) for her sister who stay near my parent’s, and my mom who wanted me to bring my graduation gown home so we can have a family picture with my bro who graduated last year and sis who is about to graduate, the third beg was of souvenirs from India and the fourth was my laptop. Since I got the ticket quite late, I got a bad seat. However, nothing much more I can complain about, I have been worse in India, and that experience had made me tougher. I can’t sleep the whole journey. I am not sure if it was because of the seat, my excitement of seeing my family, the 2 cups of coffee I had during the day or my active thinking brain.


3rd January 2007

Anyways, I reached Penang at 6 plus am. My dad came to the bus and fetched me home. My mom bought me my favourite noodles for breakfast. Yeah, we eat noodles for breakfast. Then everyone went to work. After breakfast, I went to the cyber café to check my emails. And then came home, became a ‘housewife’. Swept and mopped the floor, cleaned the dishes, cleared the spider webs on the ceiling, did the laundry, fold the clothes etc. I am yet to meet my youngest sister (10 years old) who went to school early in the morning before I came home. It’s the first day of the new academic year. From the photo in the house, she looked so much taller! By looking at the whole house, especially in her room, I could see that she had grown up a little, no more a baby. There is a notice (typed by her) on the door, warning people not to enter her room without knocking! I laughed.

I am feeling quite frustrated about the fact that there is no internet connection at home. Hence, my post is not at real time.

Where Are You Now?

After Goa, Where are you?

"Where are you Now"
by Britney Spears

Calling out your name
Your face is everywhere
I'm reaching out to you
To find that you're not there
I wake up every night
To see the state I'm in
It's like an endless fight
I never seem to win

I can't go on as long as I believe
Can't let go when I keep wondering

[CHORUS:]
Where are you now, what have you found
Where is your heart, when I'm not around
Where are you now, you gotta let me know
Oh baby, so I can let you go

I can hear your voice
The ring of yesterday
It seems so close to me
But yet so far away
I should let it out
To save what's left of me
And close the doors of doubt
Revive my dignity

But, I can't go on as long as I believe
Can't let go when I keep wondering

[Repeat CHORUS]

I should let it out, it's time to let you go
Oh baby, I just want to know

[Repeat CHORUS]

Where My India Adventure Ended

30th December, 10.45 am, Singapore Time, I touched down in Changi Airport, where my India adventure ended.

I felt that it was like a dream, too fast, i am confused if they were true. I felt 'foreign' in Sg. I do not feel that i belong here. I can't believe i left India. Now, after 2 mornings waking up in Singapore, I still woke up , thinking i will see my room arrangement as that in Bangalore, and hearing 'Good Morning, EeLing' from Ed, and the rest of ITH. I still think i have to go to the office and come home to hear 'Hie, EeLing! How was your day at work' And then 'Let's go Casa Picola, KantiSweets, the Chinese place, or Stones?' I realized i prefer vegetarian food, and also long for coffee at Coffee Day and tea at ITH. I am also not as free to roam around as i used to in Bangalore. And everything looks more expensive, and i have too much of choices in the shopping malls. The cab seems too big and posh compared to my usual ricksaw. All my friends are not living close by, and everyone has different life of their own. Unlike in ITH, we do everything (except going to work) together... Everyday i look at the pictures, and remember those time, i felt so free to travel, free to go around Bangalore, so peaceful with the great scenary, so peaceful around the people, and so at home.

Despite all these, i took some time to plan where my life should lead from here. I did a mind map, yet to complete, i will need a clearer mind and environment to do it, so i decided i will go home to my family in Penang. I'll be taking the Tuesday night bus and reaching on Wednesday morning (just like my usual travelling in India, overnight journey) The past few days, i also researced into what i wanted to do and opportunities in Singapore and the world. I'll have the answer soon.

Last 2 days and today, i spent most of my time online, talking to people in my office, friends in india, and the friends in Sg. So far, I only met up in person with TongLoung and CY, 2 very good friends, i told them a lot about my experience in India, i am sure i have to stop, or i will be too boring for them.

One of the reasons why an AIESEC internship is to go to another country, experience, learn, grow,then come home and make a positive impact. Yes i went, experience, learn, growed, came home, but make a possitive impact? I do not have any idea how.

Will take time? I found that 'time' is the antibiotics of our time, curing every 'wounds', troubles and problems. Everyone kept telling me, you will take time to forget, you will take time to re-adjust back to life here, you will take time to .... We'll see.

Chalo